Sometimes I wonder about this.....
I feel like I grew up so fast and missed part of my child hood....I went from one bad thing to another all I really wanted was someone to love me....I went from bad relationship to bad relationship....just looking for "love" I will never forget the day I learned about the TRUE meaning of love....Sep. 30, 2003...the day I had my first daughter.....my heart had a new feeling all of a sudden i knew what love really was i knew that I wanted to love this lil girl and keep her safe and make her life WAY better than mine was.....I really think having her SAVED me....I was headed no place fast and having her made me take a step back and do the right things in life..but with most good things come some bad... It made me so bitter towards my own mom......It made me feel like how could she do or allow some of the things she did in my life.... she was suppose to protect me and take care of me........I felt let down....... and since then I have tried to do everything i could to try and fix our relationship or so I thought ...the one thing I didn't do was forgive ...I was so busy being hurt I never took time to really forgive and heal and that is where I am at now forgiving and healing so I can have better relationships... .I love my mom to death and I know she loves me but I have to understand that our relationship will never be a story book relationship..... and I have to stop bringing that baggage into my relationships because its destroying them and making them unhealthy this has caused me to push ppl away and keep them at a distance so I don't get hurt and that is not fair to ppl... so in my journey to find myself I must remind myself not all ppl will hurt me the way i have been hurt in the past... I need to learn to be honest with ppl and how I feel... and I need to stand on my own 2feet! I am so thankful that I have a hubby who shows me real love and stands by me.. I know I have not been the best wife but he still loves me like I am... and I know our relationship sucks at times but we are making it! .I am blessed to have AMAZING extended family who love me like I am a daughter and show me daily what it means to be in love and show love and grace! so here is to learning to heal and forgive on my new journey!
I think a ton of things have changed me and made me the person I am today.....sometimes these things are good and sometimes not so good but non the less sometimes looking back on them reminds me what I have been though and what has made me stronger so in no order some of the biggest things that have changed my life and the person I am......
- Moving out.....
- My First Love
- Actually knowing what Love felt like
- Heartbreak
- Death of a loved one
- Getting Married
- Having babies....
- Deployments
- Homecomings
- First car
- Loss of my babies
- Moving
- Going to AZ
- Christmas with my Grandpa
- Hubby being sent home early from deployment
- Quantico VA
I am sure there are a ton more but these are some of the ones that were on my mind!
This picture brings back so many memories for me.......it was a time in my life where I knew who I was, and what was important to me... and in the last few years I am not sure where or how but I have some how lost myself.. I use to enjoy things in life and now it seems like life is a chore .... I feel like i am so busy with the kids or Ricky or another doc apt for one of them that I have ZERO time for myself... I almost feel guilty for even wanting any alone or "me" time.....that was until I was chatting with my Bestie and she said something that really hit me.... "you have to put yourself before everyone else once in a while with in reason it DOES NOT mean your neglecting them it means your taking care of yourself so you can be a better wife and mom...." when was the last time that I really did this?!!? I use to go to the gym and tanning and I loved it but when family life got busy that was the first thing to go........... and maybe if i took some time out to help myself just maybe it would help my family to..... The past few months have been a bit crazy with Ricky getting out of the USMC and us moving.....and all of the lovely trips to the VA medical center I feel like there is no time for me to do anything I want to key word want... I need to stop wanting it and just do it! so wish me luck as i take on the challenge of putting myself first once in a while..
Well this is all new to me.... not really sure how to do this "blog" thing but I am thinking that it might help me.... a place to put my feelings out there....so bare with me while I learn all this new stuff....
