Ants in the mail.... EEEEK!

I never ever in a million billion trillion years ever thought that I would purposely have a bug delivered to my house! If anyone knows me they know that I do not like bugs.....I am not a fan of any creepy crawly bug,spider, flying bugs!YUCK! I do not like them sam I am I do not like them in my house in my yard I DO NOT LIKE THEM AT ALL!... My dirty busy buggy boy must have really pulled my heart strings because he got a ant farm and we had to order ants for it HAHA! That super sweet almost 6 year old boy of mine just has to have the ants to go in it! Who would have thought there is a entire company dedicated to supplying ants for ant farms haha! So Ants we bought, that is love right there!! Real mama love! Did I mention that I do not do bugs?!?! Well today is the day that the Ants should be here and wouldn't you know he is at school which means I will have to brave the mail box alone and get his ants HAHA! Maybe I should just leave the ants in the mail box and let him get them when he gets home that would be ok right?!?! I am terrified that I will get the ants and bring them in the house and they would some how get out and be all over my house EEEEK! Like one of them crazy Max and Ruby episodes
( don't judge I have seen it more than once it and it gives me the creeps Ants crawling around all over NO THANK YOU!) My kids sure are lucky that I love them! I might not have a degree or have some crazy important job but I have the best title ever MOM MAMA MOMMY! Being a mom saved my life and I am soo thankful for all of our sweet amazing beautiful babies even if they make me order ants online! 

To my sweet baby!

To my sweet baby girl, 7 years ago you left this world before you even had a chance to experience it! Since then life has been so crazy and busy and crazy again! I don't think I ever took time to grief the loss of you..When you left I was full of heartache and anger! I felt like my life was falling apart and I could not do anything to fix it or help the pain.. My life quickly became focused around the medical aspect that came with loosing you and I spent several days a week at the hospital for blood work and tests...Daddy was sent home from his 3rd deployment for a few weeks to help. Then he was sent back so I had to take care of your older sisters and help them understand why daddy had to leave again and also why you were not coming home from the hospital....and if I am being honest it was just easier to try and forget and ignore it all...... I finally got dropped down to going to the hospital once a week and then finally once a month once your daddy was back from his deployment! Once Daddy got back life got busy quick trying to spend as much time as we could as a family and trying to go visit everyone that wanted to see daddy! A few months after daddy got home I went in for my monthly blood test and the Dr called me and told me to come in right away that I was going to need to have some procedures done. I came in and he said that he wanted to do a ultra sound to see if he could see how big the mass was because my test came back elevated...I started to panic.....I did not want to deal with this....so off to the ultra sound I went...I was sitting there on the verge of a breakdown because I felt like life was ending again.. And the last time I had been in this ultrasound room was when I found out I was loosing you! To our surprise there was no mass at all but what they did find was a baby! The dr told me the risk and advised against me continuing with the pregnancy. I choose to not listen to him! Thank goodness because now you have a little brother... After finding out we were prego we got stationed in VA...Daddy spent a lot of time going to CA and the bigger girls were keeping me busy...Soon Hunter was here and daddy was gone a lot and life started getting hard...Daddy was trying to process life and it was really hard! At this point I still had not accepted loosing you I had never talked about it and still cried often about it!  After having Hunter I got really bad PPD and shut myself off to everyone! Soon it was time for another move and Daddy getting out of the USMC and there went life getting crazy again...Once daddy got out his disabilities got the best of him and he really started struggling! We ended up moving back home to NC! fast forward to today and we have finally gotten comfortable and started accepting things that we have blocked out .. And that brings me to this letter! It is time that I accept what happened and be at peace! My sweet baby girl I want you to know that you will always be in my heart! I want you to know that I can not wait to hold you in my arms in Heaven! I want you to know that your sisters and brother love you and talk about you often! I often wonder what life would be like with you and the baby we lost earlier! I find comfort knowing that you are in Heaven  together with your brother/sister..I often wonder if I had not miscarried you both would I have had twin girls or one boy and one girl?!?! I have been going back and forth for some time now about naming you....I feel like it has been so long is it to late to name you?!?!  But after many prayers I feel like I need to do that! Since I lost the first baby so early and didn't know if it was a boy or a girl we will name baby 1... B... and you my sweet girl shall have the name Jessa it means God beholds! I am so sorry it has taken me 7 years to name you and to be at peace! I want you to know I am not angry anymore! I am so thankful for the short time I had with you! You made me a better mom!  I love being able to talk freely and openly about you now and not try to block it out!  Please know that I have never stopped loving you! I love you my sweet baby girl! I will be seeing you in Heaven one day!  Love always your Mama!    

Fam. Pics

I think it might be about time to get some new Family pics.......... here is our last family pic.... 
Looking at this pic makes me flooded with emotions....I see my babies looking so young...My sweet and sassy Kayla with her arm on her hip makes me smile! My not so little Lexie with her hair looking all cute! Then there is Hunter he has that look of mischief on his cute face!  Feels like it was ages ago!  I look at Ricky and he has a smile on his face! I love seeing that smile! I am so thankful for pictures like this.. Pictures that capture my sweet and sassy Kayla and all her cuteness! Pics that some how manage to get Lexie in a REAL smile I love her smile and wish she would show it off more! She is getting way to pretty! I love looking at pics of Hunter and all his boyness! his face is just to darn cute! Some times life gets so crazy,busy,and stressful that I forget how blessed we are!  Now that I dug up this pic I have the urge to post a million and one pics of my babies! Ok Ok I wont post a million but I will post a few of my Favs! Enjoy!

I Love this pic of my Lexie!

Not goodbye!

and now we are a family of 5!

Full belly and relaxin!

That Sassy Kayla!

The sweet Kayla!

busy?!?!

WOW I has been FOREVER since i have wrote anything!  I have been super crazy busy!  but I have to say life is good.......we have been going through a lot of up's and downs but we are still here!!!  the past  few weeks have been a bit crazy ...but one thing that was pretty cool was I got a VOXBOX WOOT WOOT! I <3 <3 <3 VOXBOX! if you don't know what it is they have you take a survey to see if you would match well with the items they are sending out.....if you do then you might be picked to get the box in the mail! so in my box I got a bag of Hershey kisses YUMM totally helped with my emotional weekend! plus they work well for rewards for the kids LOL~  I got some awesome spray lotion for hubby( my 6 year old son loves it to)and it smells AMAZING!  I got yummy flavored tea! It is like drinking dessert!  ( I wish they made it in a Kcup then it would be OUT OF THIS WORLD~) And I would surely drink a million cups a day!  I got a clay mask......which I have not used yet but plan on doing my face and my daughters tonight :) I also got some hair product from John Frieda AMAZING! oh and some fake eye lashes which kinda scare me not gonna lie!   WOOT WOOT great BOX! I love when I get one of these boxes because it gives me a chance to try stuff that I would not normally buy and almost always after getting a box I end up a buyer of at least one of the products!  If anyone would like a invite let me know and I will send you a invite! Ok its time for this Mama to get back to laundry and kids....and maybe sneak in a few Hershey kisses! LOL!! much love! 
Bekah! 

No one will die....

I was blessed to be able to go on a weekend "retreat" and I think the best thing I took away from it was that " no one will die if I take 5 mins to myself each day"...Being a caregiver and a mom is a lot of work and often times overwhelming for me it seems like it is never ending not that it is a bad thing just a demanding thing.... my days are spent waking up getting Kayla ready for school then getting Lexie and Hunter ready for the day breakfast for all Kayla off to school,Lexie on the computer for School and something for Hunter to keep him occupied...this is usually the time that i restock all of Ricky's meds and get his weekly pill thing filled up...depending on the day we might get to spent it at home but more than likely we will be spending it traveling to and from the VA hospital/clinic which means I must pack stuff to entertain the 2 kids that will have to be drug along with us... most of the time it is dinner time by the time we get back which means make dinner, bathe kids, home work if any didn't get done at after school care  ETC ETC  no place in there did I ever slip in 5 mins of me time I mean how could I?!?! I was busy enough as it was..Well the retreat reminded me that if I didn't stop and take some me time that at some point I would get so tired that I would not be able to function. I thought how the heck and what the heck would I do with ONLY 5 mins of me time?!?!  and would 5 mins really help? well here is a few of my past weeks 5 min me times..I bought one of my fav  smoothy drinks I hadn't bought in forever ( they had them on the retreat and it remineded me how much I Loved them) I locked myself in the bathroom for 5 mins and turned on some music as loud as I could while in there I did my hair like for real did my hair not just throw it up in a pony tail...
I choose to hit snooze one morning for 5mins :)
I locked myself in the bathroom again and this time I painted my toe nails..actually on this day I took a extra long shower and painted my toe nails :P I have felt much better since I have been taking my 5 min me time brakes...I actually think next week I might start 10 mins and every other week add on 5 mins.. I have been so busy taking care of everyone else that I forgot that I still need to take care of me to! 
A few weeks ago I was asked to write down 10 things about myself that had nothing to do with my "warrior" and nothing to do with my kids... WHAT ?!?!!? ummm that is my life....but her point was that I have some place along my journey lost sight of who I am..and she is right because I could not think of anything that did not have to do with Ricky or the kids.... It was like I knew nothing about myself.... So in the next few weeks as I am taking my me time I am also getting to know myself again...I think often times as moms/wives/caregivers we forget who we are as individuals because we have forgotten to stop and take time for our selfs.. So I encourage you to stop and take 5 mins to your self..Don't worry the hubby and kids will still be alive..Actually I don't think that my hubby and kids  have even noticed my 5 min brakes!! 
Praying for all of you! 
Bekah

More than just a nail color.......sorry it is so long!

Ok WOW it has been a LONGGGGGGGG time since i have sat down blog....so I guess I need to update! We moved in with Ricky's Parents Aug 1 and that was an adjustment,it is always hard to move in with someone however I was blessed to have someplace to move into....his parents never thought twice about having us move in and for that I am THANKFUL!  Well now to the AMAZING news.... I found out about an amazing program helping Vets get homes and I applied for one in NC about 3 weeks after moving to his parents we found out we got the house.... US.....WE GOT IT.....OH MY GOSH IS THIS A DREAM?!?!?!  Well we got to move into the home on Nov 1st  and it has just been AMAZING! The kids Love having there own rooms and all of there things out of storage! Ok now for the other GREAT news!
Ricky met this AMAZING man at Liberty Univ. he was a professor ..Doug and this man had a HUGEEEEEEE impact on our life....he was always willing to step in anytime ricky needed help! he prayed for us he prayed with us he kept in touch with us and he got us signed up for this Wounded Warrior Hunting trip in Nov...We had no idea just how much this hunting trip would impact us.......
We got to the Farm on Nov. 9th and WOW I was blown away... everyone was sooo nice and God's love was just beaming from this place!  They had us and another couple staying with a "older" couple at first i was worried how this would turn out because some times Ricky has bad days/nights ...But oh my goodness we had the BEST place to stay... the couple took us in like we were there kids...cooked for us laughed with us prayed with us....by the second day we were calling them Mom and Dad! they will FOREVER be in my heart and I can not wait to see them again! now back to the Farm they had everything planed for us for the long weekend we would be there the guys did one thing (hunting) and the wives were showered with lunch and gifts and spa day WOW we got spoiled!  We all shared our stories and cried together!  But it was Monday that really made a impact for me...We got up and Dad took Kellie and I to the farm and when we got to the farm we see a Limo.....A LIMO.... so we get in the Limo and it takes us to the Spa.... and we get our nails done and get a hand massage now this might seem normal to some...but for me its a first... I had my nails done ONE time and i was 15 so this was a great thing for me.... I have planned to get my nails done before but most of the time something came up and I wasnt able to get them done but this time I was able to get them done and able to chat with laidies who understand my crazy life....I was able to sit back and relax and it was just a great experience...But it wasn't until a few days later that I would really understand the impact of my nail color..... As I was sitting in the Airport ready to fly back to NC I looked down at my nails and I had a overwhelming flood of emotions...The past weekend had changed me it Gave me a new sense of life and strength...I made some AMAZING friendships.... and met Women who would always be there for me anytime I need them! I seen marriages that were LIFE LASTING!!!!  I had cried this weekend,laughed,prayed,I enjoyed myself....It had been a LONG time since I had felt this great.... I seen my husband grow and make friendships and met some amazing guys! I seen so much of God's Love that it was overwhelming! All this from just looking down at my nails..... So we boarded the plane and headed home!  Once we got home and got attacked by the kids I sat down to unpack some of our things and my mom (she watched our kids for us) said ur nails look good....and I was like oh my gosh mom I have to tell u about this weekend! I began to tell her all about it...How all of these amazing ppl helped out and how much thought and love went into the weekend...How we met "mom and dad" and Kellie and Tony how at night coming back from the farm we would sit and talk all night long like we all knew each other! How amazing it was to see Ricky have such good days! How relaxing it was for me! How GREAT church was on Sunday!  I had no idea that getting my nails done on Monday would impact me so much!  I look down at them and I am reminded of all of the AMAZING volunteers that poured love into us and took such great care of us! I left that farm with a renewed spirit something that I REALLLY needed!   thank-you to everyone who made this weekend happen for us! 
Thank you 
thank you
THANK YOU
ThAnK yOu
Feeling so blessed!
Ok now that i wrote like 900 pages I must go get some unpacking done and dinner put in the crock pot my inlaws are coming over for dinner tonight HOW COOL IS IT THAT ,WE CAN HAVE PPL OVER FOR DINNER WE HAVE NEVER LIVED CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT :)
 P.S. if I can pray for anything for anyone please let me know!
Love,Wounded Wife Bekah!   

Homeless..............Never thought it would happen to us.....

I don't even know how to start this blog ....I am in tears and still trying to process everything......my heart hurts.....and I want to scream..... this is the hardest thing for me to have to write........ but after a year of waiting and fighting with the VA Ricky finally got a rating YAAAA should be a good happy time..... but its not.....the VA has started a new claim up on him and will not release any money until this claim has a decision on it,....which could take 6months..... so after many tears and mental brake downs.....it has come down to this.........our savings is gone.......unemployment has stopped.......and here we sit.....we are drowning and feels like we might not make it...........we have to move...... all of our stuff will be put into storage......and we are having to move into Ricky's parents house.....I am so sad to be losing our house.....and having to move in with someone.......but its our last option ... I am still not sure how we are going to pay for our moving truck and gas and storage ......but I am sure something will work out..... please pray for my family at this time....I worry about the kids and Ricky and how they will handle all this...pray that i can stay strong and get through this...... pray that it is not long before we can get back on our feet....... ok i must go i have a TON of packing to get done!
Love always a frustrated wife......
Bekah