More than just a nail color.......sorry it is so long!

Ok WOW it has been a LONGGGGGGGG time since i have sat down blog....so I guess I need to update! We moved in with Ricky's Parents Aug 1 and that was an adjustment,it is always hard to move in with someone however I was blessed to have someplace to move into....his parents never thought twice about having us move in and for that I am THANKFUL!  Well now to the AMAZING news.... I found out about an amazing program helping Vets get homes and I applied for one in NC about 3 weeks after moving to his parents we found out we got the house.... US.....WE GOT IT.....OH MY GOSH IS THIS A DREAM?!?!?!  Well we got to move into the home on Nov 1st  and it has just been AMAZING! The kids Love having there own rooms and all of there things out of storage! Ok now for the other GREAT news!
Ricky met this AMAZING man at Liberty Univ. he was a professor ..Doug and this man had a HUGEEEEEEE impact on our life....he was always willing to step in anytime ricky needed help! he prayed for us he prayed with us he kept in touch with us and he got us signed up for this Wounded Warrior Hunting trip in Nov...We had no idea just how much this hunting trip would impact us.......
We got to the Farm on Nov. 9th and WOW I was blown away... everyone was sooo nice and God's love was just beaming from this place!  They had us and another couple staying with a "older" couple at first i was worried how this would turn out because some times Ricky has bad days/nights ...But oh my goodness we had the BEST place to stay... the couple took us in like we were there kids...cooked for us laughed with us prayed with us....by the second day we were calling them Mom and Dad! they will FOREVER be in my heart and I can not wait to see them again! now back to the Farm they had everything planed for us for the long weekend we would be there the guys did one thing (hunting) and the wives were showered with lunch and gifts and spa day WOW we got spoiled!  We all shared our stories and cried together!  But it was Monday that really made a impact for me...We got up and Dad took Kellie and I to the farm and when we got to the farm we see a Limo.....A LIMO.... so we get in the Limo and it takes us to the Spa.... and we get our nails done and get a hand massage now this might seem normal to some...but for me its a first... I had my nails done ONE time and i was 15 so this was a great thing for me.... I have planned to get my nails done before but most of the time something came up and I wasnt able to get them done but this time I was able to get them done and able to chat with laidies who understand my crazy life....I was able to sit back and relax and it was just a great experience...But it wasn't until a few days later that I would really understand the impact of my nail color..... As I was sitting in the Airport ready to fly back to NC I looked down at my nails and I had a overwhelming flood of emotions...The past weekend had changed me it Gave me a new sense of life and strength...I made some AMAZING friendships.... and met Women who would always be there for me anytime I need them! I seen marriages that were LIFE LASTING!!!!  I had cried this weekend,laughed,prayed,I enjoyed myself....It had been a LONG time since I had felt this great.... I seen my husband grow and make friendships and met some amazing guys! I seen so much of God's Love that it was overwhelming! All this from just looking down at my nails..... So we boarded the plane and headed home!  Once we got home and got attacked by the kids I sat down to unpack some of our things and my mom (she watched our kids for us) said ur nails look good....and I was like oh my gosh mom I have to tell u about this weekend! I began to tell her all about it...How all of these amazing ppl helped out and how much thought and love went into the weekend...How we met "mom and dad" and Kellie and Tony how at night coming back from the farm we would sit and talk all night long like we all knew each other! How amazing it was to see Ricky have such good days! How relaxing it was for me! How GREAT church was on Sunday!  I had no idea that getting my nails done on Monday would impact me so much!  I look down at them and I am reminded of all of the AMAZING volunteers that poured love into us and took such great care of us! I left that farm with a renewed spirit something that I REALLLY needed!   thank-you to everyone who made this weekend happen for us! 
Thank you 
thank you
THANK YOU
ThAnK yOu
Feeling so blessed!
Ok now that i wrote like 900 pages I must go get some unpacking done and dinner put in the crock pot my inlaws are coming over for dinner tonight HOW COOL IS IT THAT ,WE CAN HAVE PPL OVER FOR DINNER WE HAVE NEVER LIVED CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT :)
 P.S. if I can pray for anything for anyone please let me know!
Love,Wounded Wife Bekah!   

Homeless..............Never thought it would happen to us.....

I don't even know how to start this blog ....I am in tears and still trying to process everything......my heart hurts.....and I want to scream..... this is the hardest thing for me to have to write........ but after a year of waiting and fighting with the VA Ricky finally got a rating YAAAA should be a good happy time..... but its not.....the VA has started a new claim up on him and will not release any money until this claim has a decision on it,....which could take 6months..... so after many tears and mental brake downs.....it has come down to this.........our savings is gone.......unemployment has stopped.......and here we sit.....we are drowning and feels like we might not make it...........we have to move...... all of our stuff will be put into storage......and we are having to move into Ricky's parents house.....I am so sad to be losing our house.....and having to move in with someone.......but its our last option ... I am still not sure how we are going to pay for our moving truck and gas and storage ......but I am sure something will work out..... please pray for my family at this time....I worry about the kids and Ricky and how they will handle all this...pray that i can stay strong and get through this...... pray that it is not long before we can get back on our feet....... ok i must go i have a TON of packing to get done!
Love always a frustrated wife......
Bekah

Long time........

It has been a while since I sat down and wrote anything.....Partly because I didn't know what to write and partly because things have been a bit insane! March is always a crazy/bad/sad month for me as it is the month I lost my babies...and for some reason this year (5years) was soooooo hard for me! But I made it through it! 
Now Lets talk about the VA clinic for a moment! While i am sooo grateful that Ricky gets Medical care WHAT A PAIN!!!! not just with the clinic but disability in general! It has been CRAZYYYYY ......for weeks now we have been trying to get an apt for Ricky well finally today we get a apt card and his Apt is the END OF MAY.............Really....REALLY......OH MY GOSH .....he really needs to be seen before then! so now my Hope is in the TBI clinic I hope they can see him before the end of May! I feel so helpless sometimes I see him struggle with things and just wish I could take away all the pain and frustration for him! I always knew that the USMC would change our lives but I had NO IDEA it would be this much or this hard! I thought getting out of the USMC our life would almost go back to normal but boy was I wrong......See while active duty its hard to see your "problems or disability" because almost all the guys are dealing with the same thing ( at least for infantry it seems that way!)  and once your away in a "normal" civi life WOW u can just see how much these poor guys are really affected! My heart breaks for them,not just them but the moms and wives and dads and so on that have to learn to adapt and learn to help them!! My prayer is that God will really use Ricky and I to help others that are getting out of military life! This past weekend my Pastor said something that really hit home for me....he talked about picking up your OWN cross and carrying it! and I think that is just what I needed to hear.......This is my life This is the life that God has gave me and only he really knows why and instead of wondering and questioning it and being upset or sad that my life is so "hard" sometimes,I just need to Pick up my Cross and carry it! Turn it around to Good! Use the life he has given me to glorify HIM!!! So no more feeling sad or sorry its time to dig in and help others!  ok with that being said on to the next thing...........

OH YES I ALMOST FORGOT....... We started Home-schooling!!!!!!!!!!!! YIPPIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I am soooooooooo happy that I am doing it! my girls are doing AMAZING! and its so much fun watching them learn and teaching them new things! It is sooo rewarding !!!!! <3 <3 <3 it!!!! 
 Ok Last thing before I go....Prayers............. Here are a few things that could use some Prayer request if u have anything that I can pray about for you please comment and let me know! 
   My mother in Law ( AMAZING WOMAN!) needs a JOB!!! Pray the right one will come along! 
  My Brother .....he is about to get out of Prison BIG PRAYERS FOR HIM PLEASE! 
Ricky...he really can just use all the prayers he can get! 
and please Pray for all my Wounded Wife friends....... I pray you girls get and keep your strength to fight this battle with them! I pray you get rest and time to your self!  
ok now that I wrote a book i must go.........
<3 Always Me!!!!  

-7 and new hair :P

A New me................. I am down 7lbs:D  thats a start! and I am starting to feel a lil better about myself.......I also went and cut about 6in off my hair and I am starting to feel like a new person!  
However this past week has been a bad week for me! I have really been having a hard time with life.....I feel like I am at a strange point of my life and I am not sure how to fix it...I feel like I need to make major changes but not sure how.... It is almost like I woke up and I had no idea how my life got to the point it was at........sometimes I sit back and think about all the things I would do different but then i remind myself that all these things made me stronger and maybe redoing them would make my life even more crazy! I am not really sure that any of this even makes sense but it makes sense in my mind lol!   now that i have rambled I am going to go get ready for bed I am soo tired and cant seem to sleep at night :( untill my next random thought!

My weekend!

My Weekend.........So Ricky and I had been going back and forth on the topic of me going away for a few days.......he told me to go and I said I wasnt sure if it was a good thing to go..........I knew that at the point I am at with my life right now getting away might be best but could also do harm.........after back and forth and back and forth I went.......And I enjoyed myself....... I slept when I wanted to.....I ate when I wanted to....I shopped when and where I wanted to......I even Jumped on the bed.....But like I feared I started thinking about Life and how easy this was right now at this moment......I dont ever really remember a time in my life being that fun or easy........I guess Having a baby at 17/18 will do that to ya! I am not saying I regret having any of my kids, but what I am saying is it has changed my life in a way i am not sure I was ready for......I missed out on a lot of the fun stuff..........and part of me hates that I missed it!  So while i was alone this weekend I tried to think of the good having the kids brought.......Alexia saved me put my life on track....Kayla pulled my marriage back together...and Hunter made me smile after a dark time in my life....... but still even with this I feel so mad I feel so mad that I have never had a chance to just be me! I have been so busy being a young mom...a single mom.....a wife......a new mom again........So busy making sure that everyone is happy everyone but myself....I dont really know how to fix these feelings.....and part of myself hates that I even feel this way.......I do think getting away for a few days ended up helping because it opened my eyes to what I want! So with that being said I think another weekend trip will happen again one day! as for now I am going to look at how I can better my life! 

*Bekah*

Today seems to be one of my harder days.......I just want to scream.....I feel like I have so much going on and not enough time or energy to get it all done.... ok so my mind is all over the place tonight so it might be best to try blogging again in the morning lol! 
Night !

Learning to heal and forgive!

Sometimes I wonder about this..... 
I feel like I grew up so fast and missed part of my child hood....I went from one bad thing to another all I really wanted was someone to love me....I went from bad relationship to bad relationship....just looking for "love"  I will never forget the day I learned about the TRUE meaning of love....Sep. 30, 2003...the day I had my first daughter.....my heart had a new feeling all of a sudden i knew what love really was i knew that I wanted to love this lil girl and keep her safe and make her life WAY better than mine was.....I really think having her SAVED me....I was headed no place fast and having her made me take a step back and do the right things in life..but with most good things come some bad... It made me so bitter towards my own mom......It made me feel like how could she do or allow some of the things she did in my life.... she was suppose to protect me and take care of me........I felt let down....... and since then I have tried to do everything i could to try and fix our relationship or so I thought ...the one thing I didn't do was forgive ...I was so busy being hurt I never took time to really forgive and heal and that is where I am at now forgiving and healing so I can have better relationships... .I love my mom to death and I know she loves me but I have to understand that our relationship will never be a story book relationship..... and I have to stop bringing that baggage into my relationships because its destroying them and making them unhealthy this has caused me to push ppl away and keep them at a distance so I don't get hurt and that is not fair to ppl... so in my journey to find myself I must remind myself not all ppl will hurt me the way i have been hurt in the past... I need to learn to be honest with ppl and how I feel... and I need to stand on my own 2feet! I am so thankful that I have a hubby who shows me real love and stands by me.. I know I have not been the best wife but he still loves me like I am... and I know our relationship sucks at times but we are making it! .I am blessed to have AMAZING extended family who love me like I am a daughter and show me daily what it means to be in love and show love and grace! so here is to learning to heal and forgive on my new journey!

The Things That Changed Me....

 I think a ton of things have changed me and made me the person I am today.....sometimes these things are good and sometimes not so good but non the less sometimes looking back on them reminds me what I have been though and what has made me stronger so in no order some of the biggest things that have changed my life and the person I am......

• Moving out.....
• My First Love
• Actually knowing what Love felt like
• Heartbreak 
• Death of a loved one
• Getting Married
• Having babies....
• Deployments
• Homecomings
• First car 
• Loss of my babies
• Moving 
• Going to AZ 
• Christmas with my Grandpa
• Hubby being sent home early from deployment
• Quantico VA 

I am sure there are a ton more but these are some of the ones that were on my mind!  

Who am I now?!

This picture brings back so many memories for me.......it was a time in my life where I knew who I was, and what was important to me... and in the last few years I am not sure where or how but I have some how lost myself.. I use to enjoy things in life and now it seems like life is a chore .... I feel like i am so busy with the kids or Ricky or another doc apt for one of them that I have ZERO time for myself... I almost feel guilty for even wanting any alone or "me" time.....that was until I was chatting with my Bestie and she said something that really hit me.... "you have to put yourself before everyone else once in a while with in reason it DOES NOT mean  your neglecting them it means your taking care of yourself so you can be a better wife and mom...." when was the last time that I really did this?!!?  I use to go to the gym and tanning and I loved it but when family life got busy that was the first thing to go........... and maybe if i took some time out to help myself just maybe it would help my family to..... The past few months have been a bit crazy with Ricky getting out of the USMC and us moving.....and all of the lovely trips to the VA medical center I feel like there is no time for me to do anything I want to key word want... I need to stop wanting it and just do it!  so wish me luck as i take on the challenge of putting myself first once in a while..

Blog.....

Well this is all new to me.... not really sure how to do this "blog" thing but I am thinking that it might help me.... a place to put my feelings out there....so bare with me while I learn all this new stuff....