To my sweet baby!

To my sweet baby girl, 7 years ago you left this world before you even had a chance to experience it! Since then life has been so crazy and busy and crazy again! I don't think I ever took time to grief the loss of you..When you left I was full of heartache and anger! I felt like my life was falling apart and I could not do anything to fix it or help the pain.. My life quickly became focused around the medical aspect that came with loosing you and I spent several days a week at the hospital for blood work and tests...Daddy was sent home from his 3rd deployment for a few weeks to help. Then he was sent back so I had to take care of your older sisters and help them understand why daddy had to leave again and also why you were not coming home from the hospital....and if I am being honest it was just easier to try and forget and ignore it all...... I finally got dropped down to going to the hospital once a week and then finally once a month once your daddy was back from his deployment! Once Daddy got back life got busy quick trying to spend as much time as we could as a family and trying to go visit everyone that wanted to see daddy! A few months after daddy got home I went in for my monthly blood test and the Dr called me and told me to come in right away that I was going to need to have some procedures done. I came in and he said that he wanted to do a ultra sound to see if he could see how big the mass was because my test came back elevated...I started to panic.....I did not want to deal with this....so off to the ultra sound I went...I was sitting there on the verge of a breakdown because I felt like life was ending again.. And the last time I had been in this ultrasound room was when I found out I was loosing you! To our surprise there was no mass at all but what they did find was a baby! The dr told me the risk and advised against me continuing with the pregnancy. I choose to not listen to him! Thank goodness because now you have a little brother... After finding out we were prego we got stationed in VA...Daddy spent a lot of time going to CA and the bigger girls were keeping me busy...Soon Hunter was here and daddy was gone a lot and life started getting hard...Daddy was trying to process life and it was really hard! At this point I still had not accepted loosing you I had never talked about it and still cried often about it!  After having Hunter I got really bad PPD and shut myself off to everyone! Soon it was time for another move and Daddy getting out of the USMC and there went life getting crazy again...Once daddy got out his disabilities got the best of him and he really started struggling! We ended up moving back home to NC! fast forward to today and we have finally gotten comfortable and started accepting things that we have blocked out .. And that brings me to this letter! It is time that I accept what happened and be at peace! My sweet baby girl I want you to know that you will always be in my heart! I want you to know that I can not wait to hold you in my arms in Heaven! I want you to know that your sisters and brother love you and talk about you often! I often wonder what life would be like with you and the baby we lost earlier! I find comfort knowing that you are in Heaven  together with your brother/sister..I often wonder if I had not miscarried you both would I have had twin girls or one boy and one girl?!?! I have been going back and forth for some time now about naming you....I feel like it has been so long is it to late to name you?!?!  But after many prayers I feel like I need to do that! Since I lost the first baby so early and didn't know if it was a boy or a girl we will name baby 1... B... and you my sweet girl shall have the name Jessa it means God beholds! I am so sorry it has taken me 7 years to name you and to be at peace! I want you to know I am not angry anymore! I am so thankful for the short time I had with you! You made me a better mom!  I love being able to talk freely and openly about you now and not try to block it out!  Please know that I have never stopped loving you! I love you my sweet baby girl! I will be seeing you in Heaven one day!  Love always your Mama!